Letting go

“It [whatever continuous occurrence in your life] is trying to help you stop keeping the past alive by maintaining outdated perceptions, and it's trying to bring you firmly into this moment. It's unnerving to you because it is a messenger, and you have not yet heard what it is trying to say. It is persistent because you need it, even if you don't want it. It's here because it intends to grow you, and it won't pass until you agree to let it stretch you past the tiny confines of a life half lived.” - The Pivot Year, Brianna Wiest

Letting go. The exhale. The relief that comes from putting down the burden that’s been on your shoulders. If you need permission, here it is. Whatever it is that has been weighing you down, it is no longer yours to carry.

I listened to a lovely podcast a few weeks ago where a woman admitted she was “a recovering awkward person.” She is now teaching thousands of people to own their confidence, but at times still struggles with her own confidence. I am “a recovering overthinker.” I overthink because I want to be in control of the things that are happening to me. That if I think of things hard enough I’ll have played out every scenario and conversation possible and that my brain can be prepared for whatever is next. That I can CONTROL MY DESTINY.

Hercules on his way to fulfill his destiny

If you laughed at any of that, you can relate. I am not licensed in any way to provide advice that works aside from sharing my own personal experience. I am a recovering over thinker because I’m learning the art of letting go. [insert forceful exhale here] Over thinking is the harbinger of anxiety and perhaps vice versa. I create scenarios in my head that don’t exist and thus create this alternate universe that hasn’t happened and since it doesn’t exist…I get worked up over something that might not even be real. That’s not worth my attention anymore, so I am letting it go.

Things that aren’t yours to carry:

• Other people’s opinions of you

• What other people are doing

• What someone decides to say to you that might be completely unhinged (hello projection)

• Why your favorite restaurant got rid of a certain menu item

• Reading in between the lines of someone’s actions or words

• Other people’s problems

One of my favorite ways to let go is this:

If someone does not tell me directly how they feel, I am not going to waste my time dissecting if their tone or actions imply otherwise.

I am going to take what someone says as the truth and not wonder if they actually meant it because they added a little too much sarcasm. If I did something someone didn’t like, it is their responsibility to tell me how they’re feeling and I’ll offer the same in return. I have to trust that someone else is saying what they actually mean. I no longer have the capacity to make up the scenarios. I’m letting go of the over-thinking. I’m too tired.

The conqueror of anxiety is trust.

I found some liberation in this concept when I read a quote from one of my favorite books (Mistborn era 1-3 by Brandon Sanderson). “You must love him enough to trust his wishes, even if you disagree with them. You must respect him- no matter how wrong you think he may be, no matter how poor his decisions, you must respect his desire to make them. Even if one of them is loving you.”

It’s so good. I was in a place in my life where I wanted to control other people’s decisions and I was getting worked up over why they were making poor ones. That if I could prepare my counter points well enough, someone would treat me better, they would hear me better and they would stop making decisions that negatively impacted my life. That if I tried hard enough, I could fix them.

BAH.

No. I can no longer carry other people’s problems. Whatever someone is struggling with internally, I cannot be their therapist no matter how empathetic I am. This does not mean I do not listen. I am more so becoming an observer and not take on their struggle as my own. I have to trust what they are doing because it is their decision to make, not mine (even if I think I know better). I cannot control it or them. I have this other piece of armor. It’s called boundaries. 

You get to choose your standards for how you are treated and how you interact with the outside world. The very act of being able to choose is powerful. If something bothers me, I will sit with it and then be an advocate for myself if it meets my boundary criteria. There is a good chance that if it does not, this person is not important to me and I do not wish to grant them the opportunity to grow together. 

All these ideas are intimately entangled in my brain. As I have combed them out, my brain feels like a quieter place at times. I use the tools above with movement and meditation as supplements, after all, I did evolve from primal ancestors.

Trust.

Boundaries.

Let go.

Little bit of movement supplements.

Put your armor on my friends,

B